A Kiss for a Kill
by Failure Turtle
Summary: I don't care what you think as long as it's about me. TedxOC.
1. Chapter 1

_Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…_

Those seven words echoed in the mind of Ted DiBiase, Jr. He should have heard those words that very day, in the very church he was currently sitting in.

But instead, he had to trade his wedding for a funeral.

He sat staring at the casket in front of him, unable to move, unable to think, unable to cry. Some of his family who was sitting nearby thought him heartless. Maybe he really didn't love his fiancée, Kristen. They were thinking that Ted thought of her as nothing more than a trophy wife, a prize to show off for all of his hard work.

And if Ted was in the right frame of mine, those would be fighting words. He didn't show emotions as much as other people did, but that didn't mean that he was careless. He did love Kristen. But someone's hatred of her was clearly more powerful than his love for his fiancée.

They told him that Kristen was poisoned. It was a slow acting poison that sifted through her veins and took her life. But who would do that to his fiancée, to him? Everyone loved Kristen. She was the sweetest girl in the world, and everyone around her felt their lives brightened by her presence.

Even the sweetest light can be blinding.

Ted also had few enemies. Everyone loved the sweet southern boy from Mississippi. The few critics he had…No, Ted couldn't even imagine one of them killing his girlfriend.

The answer, however, was sitting in the church with him. But who would suspect _her_? It wasn't as if she and Ted were ever exactly what you would call close. They never had a genuine conversation, and barely spoke outside of the polite "hello" in the hallways as they passed each other. They never worked a program together, never teamed together in a match, never trained with each other, and weren't even on the same show together.

On the opposite side of the church and in the last row, the criminal herself sat cross-legged and alone. She faked her remorse if she ever felt eyes upon her, but everyone was too preoccupied with mourning to notice the blonde in the back row. She leaned back in the pew and extended a hand out in front of her face, examining her red painted nails.

It was then that they asked Ted to stand up and say a few words about his fiancée.

Ted was never exactly the most eloquent man when presented with a public speaking task. He was hoping that the void of his girl being gone would numb his nervousness, but it didn't; it only heightened it.

And in the back of the church, the perpetrator sat up straight, hanging on Ted's every word, trying to find out what it was about Kristen that made Ted love her so much.

Beautiful? Boring.

Adventurous? Lame.

Good in bed? Please.

Unique? Overdone.

None of those reasons gave Sunny any reason to believe that Kristen was better than her.

But Sunny was better than her now. An alive woman was certainly easier and more convenient to date than a dead woman, and less conspicuous, as well.

As Ted finished his speech, Sunny smiled to herself and brushed the hair out of her eyes.

The next time that the entire WWE was together, things were certainly going to get interesting.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sunny, I'm sorry that I suck so much. And just for you, it's more making fun of Cody...Because I know you're upset with him right now.**

Ted sulked around in the cafeteria backstage at Cyber Sunday. Not only was his fiancée recently killed, but if the fans had it their way, he would be dropping his precious World Tag Team Championship belt later that night. And if not that night, he'd be losing it tomorrow.

Ted DiBiase just couldn't seem to catch a break.

He leaned his head on the shoulder of his best friend and tag team partner, Cody Rhodes. "I just miss her so much," Ted sighed.

"I know you do, Ted," Cody consoled, getting slightly uncomfortable with another man leaning against him.

Unfortunately for them both, Chris Jericho entered the room.

"Ted, you might want to..."

Chris, of course, walked past their table. He seemed to pass without noticing, but he did a double take and stopped in his tracks, his blonde head swiveling in their direction. "I knew it!" he gasped.

"Chris, this isn't what it looks like," Cody said, defending himself, but not removing himself from the situation.

Chris decided to sit down and join his favorite second generation Superstars. "Look, Ted, I know you're girlfriend just croaked, but that's no reason to just jump into loveless flings."

"Oh my gosh, Chris, you are so insensitive!" Cody said, putting a comforting arm around Ted's shoulders.

"You're kidding, right?" Jericho questioned. Cody wasn't making this any better for himself.

"You know it's not like that, man," Cody said. He removed his arm from Ted's torso. "I'm out. Ted, don't let Chris bring you down anymore. He has a bad habit of doing that." Cody sent a death look Jericho's way before leaving.

"Alright, Teddy boy, tell Uncle Jericho what's bothering you. Why are you so torn up over this? How long were you guys together? It's time to play Jericho Povich."

"She was my high school sweetheart," Ted mumbled. His head slammed down on the table, making a loud cracking sound. He showed no sign of pain, not even a slight recoil.

"OH TED!" Maria squealed, scuttling up to Ted and Chris. She threw her arms around Ted and embraced him in a hug. "I'm so sorry! Is there anything I can get you? Can I do anything to make you feel better?"

_Yeah, you can go away_, Ted thought before answering. "No, Maria. Thanks, though. It makes me feel a bit better to know that someone cares besides Cody." Ted desperately wanted to glare at Chris for being such a jerk, but he decided against it. There was no ridicule like ridicule from Chris Jericho.

"Okay, I can see that my usual talk show host personality isn't working with you today, Ted," Chris said, getting up from the table. "I'm going to leave you and miss Playboy bunny over here alone." He jabbed his thumb in Maria's direction. "If you need me, you know where to find me." Chris got up and grabbed a milk carton from the tall glass refrigerator in the corner. He shook it up, opened it, and took it down in one gulp. "Ah, that's some good shit."

"It's a fucking milk carton," Randy Orton said, rolling his eyes after hearing Chris's comment.

"No offense, Maria, but could I just be alone right now? I don't think I'm up for talking to girls right now, if you know what I'm saying..."

"Oh, I understand completely, Teddy Bear," Maria said.

Ted shuddered at her use of his dreaded nickname the Divas had given him. It was something that he and Cody could not escape. Coddles and Teddy Bear. Blast their fathers for giving them such adorable names...

Maria got up and rejoined her Diva friends at a table on the other side of the room. Ted resumed his sulking pose of his forehead flat on the table.

He prayed to the wrestling gods that he and Cody didn't get voted into that match.

* * *

"How is he, Chris?" Sunny asked as she saw Jericho in the hallway.

"Your beloved Theodore?"

"No, John Cena. I'd like to know how his whatever it is is rehabbing. You know how much I care about that," Sunny snapped sarcastically.

"It's an attitude like that which is going to get you into trouble," Chris noted.

"Please, I might be in enough trouble as it is."

"Yeah, you really did a number on Ted's girl."

"You might want to hush up. You helped me, you know."

"You know what a good idea would be, Sunny? You could use your murderous ways to kill Batista before our match tonight so I don't have to drop the title to him. No one would miss him," Chris suggested.

"If I had any energy, I'd consider it."

"Oh, and Maria seems to be trying to go in for a different type of kill, if you know what I'm saying."

"That slut!" Sunny screeched. "I swear, if I see any funny business with that tramp..."

"You'll shank her leopard print wearing ass?"

"Something like that. Chris, you're the best friend a girl could have."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I so hate Theodore.**

Ted rocked back and forth against the wall of the locker room as he sat on the floor, clutching his title belt to his chest as if it was his only child. He gently stroked the gold plate that had his named carved into it. "Cody?" he asked, looking up at his tag team partner. "Why is it that everything I love goes away in the end?"

"We'll get them back, Ted," Cody reassured his partner, picking his own belt up and putting it over his shoulder. He extended his hand out to Ted to help him up. "Come on, man, we have a job to do."

"But...But it's so pretty..." Ted sighed, staring at his own reflection in the title belt.

"Yes, Ted, it's gorgeous. Now, come on. We're going to be late."

* * *

"This is preposterous!" Sunny screeched as she watched the match on the monitor in the hallway. She was witnessing her object of desire being beaten to a pulp by CM Punk. And just when she thought it couldn't have gotten worse, Ted was hoisted up on Punk's shoulder and given the GTS. Punk pinned Ted, winning the World Tag Team Championship for himself and Kofi Kingston.

"What's wrong, darling?" Chris asked, walking up behind Sunny and putting an arm around her shoulders.

"This is wrong!" she yelled, pointing at the screen. Kofi and Punk were celebrating with their newly won title belts. "They aren't a team! Am I going to have to kill someone on the creative team? Isn't there a clause that states that non-teams cannot win a championship designated _for_ actual teams? This is ridiculous. I'm boycotting."

Jericho slid his arm off of his friend's shoulders. "Uh, Sunny? Do you forget that I wasn't really a team with any of the people I won tag titles with..."

"Yeah, but you won them when there was actually a tag team division to make fun of. Now, there's nothing. NOTHING! And Kofi teaming with Punk? The only thing they have in common besides being jerks is that they were on ECW together. I am truly, truly upset by this."

"So, which one do you want to get rid of? Kofi or Punk?" Chris asked, a devious smile dancing on his lips.

"Neither. Let them have their glory now. It will most definitely be short lived."

* * *

"Come out with us, Teddy!" Maria begged, waltzing up to Ted in her evening wear. She and Melina were getting ready to go club hopping, and all they were missing was the attractive man candy to go along with them.

"Maria, I'm not in the mood," Ted said for the umpteenth time. He shook his head and continued walking with Cody so they could leave, but Maria just wasn't having it.

"But Teddy! I thought you liked dancing!"

_Not with a scuz bag like you_. "Maria, it's just not happening."

"Ted, I just think that if you--"

"Really, Maria? You think now? I didn't know that you were capable of higher brain functions such as thinking. I thought you were only programmed to suck and blow," Sunny said, purposefully aborting Maria's conversation with Ted.

"Huh?" Maria said, cocking her head to the side. Cody stifled a laugh.

"Bye, Maria," Sunny said, taking both Cody and Ted by the wrist and taking them out of Maria's hearing range.

"Thanks for the save, Sunny. She's so annoying," Ted said, rubbing his eyes.

"No problem. It's the least I can do in light of recent situations," Sunny said. "Anyways, I was just wondering if you two gentlemen would like to accompany myself in going to Starbucks to get some coffee. I can feel myself getting tired and some nice caffeine should help me wake right up."

"Sorry, Sunny, but I've got some intense Zelda gaming to do. Ted, why don't you go with her? Spending time with a sane woman for once might actually do you some good," Cody said, patting Ted on the back.

"Yeah, I think I'll do that."

Cody smiled at Sunny and left to leave Sunny and Ted alone to go out for the evening.

After all, spending time with a sane woman would take Ted's mind off of things, right?

Sunny was going to show Ted just how sane she was.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, what's going on with you and that Jericho guy?" Ted asked, taking a sip of his mint coffee.

"That Jericho guy? I think he deserves a little more than that," Sunny said, rolling her eyes and sucking on the straw of her own drink.

"So there IS something going on, then!" Ted screeched. "Score one for the Tedster!"

"I'm going to carry on this conversation as if you did not just refer to yourself as 'The Tedster,'" Sunny said. "And for the record, there is nothing going on between Chris and I. He's like…He's like that gay guy from _Mean Girls_ who just goes into the girl's bathroom all the time. Yeah, that's the best way to describe him."

"He's _gay_?" Ted asked, astounded.

"No, but he might as well be," Sunny shrugged. "I don't mean to bring this up, but you seem to be in a much better mood than earlier."

"Yeah, I guess I am. I don't know…You just seem to take my mind off of things."

"It's what I'm here for. Doesn't Cody help you out?"

"Nah," Ted said. "All he thinks about are video games."

"That's it?"

"That's it," Ted nodded. "Come on, let's blow this popsicle stand."

Sunny almost choked on the last bit of her coffee. She wanted so badly to twist his words into something dirty sounding, but she didn't think that was appropriate for a man who's wife had just been killed, and she was the one who did the killing.

* * *

"You're going to _love_ me," Chris said as he and Sunny were reunited at the arena the next day for the ECW and SmackDown tapings that everyone was required to go to.

"I highly doubt that," Sunny said, her mind still on the previous night's rendezvous with Theodore Marvin DiBiase, Jr.

"The whore who is trying to creep on your man is sick!" Jericho exclaimed, getting way too excited about that.

"Maria has fallen ill? Why would I love you for that?"

"Because she's on her deathbed!"

"CHRISTOPHER IRVINE WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"

* * *

"You'll make it, Maria," Melina sobbed, taking the hand of her friend.

"No…" Maria sighed.

She was surrounded by all the Divas as she could barely move. Every so often, her entire body would convulse and shake, at which point the Bella Twins would try to restrain her.

"Quit faking it," Beth grumbled.

"I'm dying…" Maria said weakly, her breaths getting more and more shallow as they went on.

Sunny left the room after seeing the tragic scene. So, maybe tragic wasn't exactly the word that she would have picked, but still. She found Chris leaning against a vending machine in the hallway.

"Why did you do it?" she asked.

"It only makes sense. She needs to go. And this time, you can pretend to be all sad and heartbroken and Ted can comfort _you_."

Sunny smiled. "Chris, has anyone ever told you that you are an evil genius?"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I don't know if I'll live long enough while writing this to actually finish this chapter. Sunny and I are planning great things as I write this…And now it's over 12 hours later and Randal is on my TV. Note: I was at the house show where Randy got in the altercation. Reports are false. It wasn't as bad as they say. The only thing true about it was the hat thing. I was right there and I do not recall him slamming into the guardrail.**

"So, do you want the good news or the bad news?"

Sunny set down her paper in the catering room. Gossip spread like wildfire in the WWE, and bad news went around even faster. She looked up at Chris, wondering why he was here of all places. While the rest of the WWE roster waited outside the Divas locker room in hopes of finding out what had happened to Maria, Sunny and Chris were alone in catering, stuffing their faces and savoring the moment of fatal glory.

"The good news is that Maria died? And is the bad news that you're actually gay for real and in love with Dave Batista?" Sunny asked, blinking up at Chris Jericho.

"Well, Maria _should _die," Chris stated. He pulled out a green vial out of the pocket of his pinstripe blazer. "And here is my weapon of choice."

Sunny took the vial from Chris's hands and studied it. "Chris…This is the same kind of poison I used to kill Kristen."

"Yeah, Kristen…" Chris chuckled. "That reminds me about the bad news."

"WHAT bad news?" Sunny begged to know. She was about three seconds from rolling up her newspaper and smacking Chris in the head with it, like a dog that had soiled itself in the house.

"Well, the good news is that Maria is about to be pronounced dead at any moment. That should be one less whore mackin' on your Theodore. The bad news is that you are no longer a SmackDown Diva."

"What?!" Sunny gasped, nearly spitting out her tea. "Steph is releasing me? How do you know? Jesus, I know that you and her are totally doing it behind everyone's backs, but seriously?! She told you before she told me? And you didn't try to save me? Chris, I hate you!"

Chris erupted in cruel laughter. "Hah. You're gonna _wish_ you were really being released."

Sunny frowned. "I'm just going to ECW, aren't I? I'm going to job to Alicia Fox when she gets out of OVW? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?"

"First off," Jericho rattled, "you killed off an innocent woman because you were in love with her fiancée. Secondly, you allowed _me_ to kill off another innocent woman because she was a hopeless flirt. Third of all, you can't get enough of the Jeri-meister. And lastly, you ARE going to ECW."

"I knew it! My life is over!" Sunny cried, her head slamming onto the table.

"Not exactly. ECW isn't touring with SmackDown any longer. They're going to be with RAW now. Welcome to Monday nights, sister. You're touring with me and Ted."

* * *

"Thundercats are GOOOOO!" Chris hollered down the hallway. Oddly enough, he was trying to yell at Sunny…who was right by his side.

"Chris, I'm right by your side," Sunny laughed, closing her compact. She had just made sure that her makeup was as horrible as possible. She was about to see Ted.

"My lord, Sunny. You look positively horrendous," Chris noticed.

"Yeah, that's the plan. Remember?"

"…No."

"Ugh. Just watch me work my magic," she said, her heels clicking at a quicker pace down the hall.

"You really need to come tanning with us, Ted. You look out of place," Cody said as he and Ted walked down the hallway in Sunny's direction.

Chris tried to remain in the shadows as best as he could. But let's face it, Chris Jericho always has a spotlight on him, and he's usually the one putting it there. "Hey, sunshine, I think it would help if you trailed some toilet paper from your shoe. It really gives the whole vibe of 'I'm a sad lonely girl with no friends so I had to eat lunch in the bathroom' if you know what I'm saying."

Sunny turned around and flipped off Chris.

"Out of place? Why? Because I'm the only good looking one? I think _you're_ out of place, Cody. Randy has the tattoos, I have the body, and what do you have? The lisp? Sorry, but I don't think we can include a twelve year old with a speech impediment in our future stable."

"I am going to ignore those comments you just made about me to make a polite observation. You seem to be in a much better mood lately. What happened?"

"Well, I was hanging out with Sun—"

"Oh, it's horrible!"

Ted broke his gaze away from Cody to look at the weeping woman in front of them. It looked as if she had been crying for days. Her mascara was running, her eyeshadow was smeared, and her hair was tousled.

"Sunny, what's wrong?" Ted asked, walking up to Sunny and putting a comforting arm around her.

"Maria…She and I were such good friends," Sunny lied, pretending to cry harder and harder.

"I'm going to go…" Cody said, and he escaped the uncomfortable situation without being detected.

Were Sunny and Maria good friends? Hell no. They weren't enemies per se, but they were most definitely not friends. Sunny wouldn't agree with people killing off her friends. Like if someone considered killing off Chris, she'd snap. No one kills Chris Jericho on Sunny's watch…

…Except maybe Ted.

But Ted didn't know that Maria and Sunny weren't friends. He wasn't on the same show as them. He had no idea what went on behind the door of the Divas locker room.

He also had no idea that he was currently holding a murderous woman in his arms. And she would stop at nothing until she made him hers.


End file.
